Vampire don't write letters
by LittleFanGirl
Summary: "Dear Elena; Jeremy wants to bang the midget witch. Apparently it's mutual. Damon." Extremely cracky parody fic.
1. Chapter 1

**BEFORE I START: The idea for this fix was NOT originally mine, I got it from VG Jekyll who wrote one for another fandom. Credit to her for the original idea.**

**None of this is to be taken seriously, it's just a crack fic...**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own TVD.  
><strong>

Dear Elena  
>I love you.<br>Stefan

* * *

><p>Dear Stefan<br>Why the hell are you writing letters? You're a vampire for god sake.  
>Damon<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Damon<br>You are now also writing letters Damon.  
>Stefan<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Stefan<br>Watch your back. Brother.  
>Damon<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Stefan<br>Awww, I love you too pumpkin...I can't come round tonight; Jenna's getting a bit worried about my constant disappearances but feel free to visit, my window'll be open. Can't wait to see you again.  
>Elena<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Stefan<br>I infiltrated your mail. You two are so sentimental it's vile.  
>The better brother<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Damon<br>Your opinion means nothing. Oh and 'the better brother'? I thought you'd come up with something more insulting then that.  
>Stefan<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Elena<br>Of course i'll be round my love.  
>Stefan<p>

* * *

><p>Dear bunny killer<br>You left that back of yours inwatched. That's what you get.  
>Damon<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Damon<br>The stake was easily removed. You're losing your creativity.  
>Stefan<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Jeremy<br>Fancy earning some pocket money? (Or whatever else you want?)  
>Damon<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Damon<br>Go on then, hit me - theoretically of course.  
>Jeremy<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Jeremy<br>This matter is too private for mere mail, meet me at the grill in 5.  
>Damon<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Elena<br>Damon's planning something...  
>Stefan<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Stefan<br>I'm sure it's nothing that bad honey, don't worry about it.  
>Elena<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Elena<br>You're right, it wasn't that bad. It was worse.  
>Stefan<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Stefan<br>What happened?  
>Elena<p>

* * *

><p>Dear jeremy<br>Good job kid. I'll be calling on you again in the future.  
>Damon<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Damon<br>Yeah sure whatever, just remember to tell Elena about Bonnie and I for me.  
>Jeremy<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Jeremy<br>I'm a man of my word aren't i?  
>Damon<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Elena<br>It's fuzzy, I was in the shower and then i woke up in Canada wearing a Justin Bieber T-Shirt, a Hannah Montana wig and covered in glitter. I don't even want to know what happened...  
>Stefan<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Stefan<br>I've discovered a suspicious coincidence...I found an emty bottle of glitter in Jeremy's room...Great, he teamed up with Damon...  
>Elena<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Elena<br>Well I gotta give him points for creativity.  
>Stefan<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Stefan<br>That was immensely enjoyable. I can't wait for an excuse to do something like that again.  
>Damon<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Damon<br>You haven't talked to her yet...It's been 3 days...  
>Jeremy<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Jeremy<br>Geez kid. Calm down. I'll do it right now, don't get your knickers in a twist.  
>Damon<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Elena<br>Jeremy wants to bang the midget witch and from what i hear the feeling's mutual.  
>Damon<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Damon<br>Great way to break the news jackass. Most Awkward. Conversation. Ever.  
>Jeremy<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Jeremy<br>Hey i told you i'd tell her. DIdn't say i'd do it nicely.  
>Damon<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Damon<br>I can practically see the smirk in your writing. Next time the details of the arrangement will be more specific.  
>Jeremy<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Stefan<br>You're a bit quiet. It's boring. When you gonna be finished licking those wounds of yours?  
>Damon<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Damon<br>Don't. You have no idea what it's like to be attacked by twi-hards, 'Belieber's', and those ridiculous Hannah fans. Most horrifying experience ever. EVER.  
>Stefan<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Stefan<br>You deserved it brother. Don't mess with fire unless you're prepared to get burnt.  
>Damon<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Damon<br>I just found out the full extent of your 'revenge'. GET. HERE. NOW!  
>Elena<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Stefan<br>You little snitch.  
>Damon.<p>

**Hope you all like it :D  
><strong>

**This fic is currently set as Complete, but if people like it i'll deffinetly write more, i quite enjoyed it :3**

**Please review, much love xD  
><strong>


	2. Chapter 2

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own vampire diaries. Only all the books and Season1 on DVD.**

Dear Stefan  
>What's with your journal? Talk about depressing...<br>Damon

* * *

><p>Dear Damon<br>You read my journal? Seriously? What happened to privacy? You don't see me reading yours.  
>Stefan<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Stefan<br>That, my dear brother, is because i'm not girly enough to KEEP a journal. Speaking of girly, anyone would think a pre-pubescant girl wrote yours. It's all sentimental and full of feelings and crap. Why?  
>Damon<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Damon<br>Because, unlike you Damon, I HAVE feelings.  
>Stefan<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Stefan<br>Was that supposed to hurt?  
>Damon<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Elena<br>Did you know your boyfriend comes up with the worst insults ever?  
>Damon<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Damon<br>Leave him alone Damon.  
>Elena<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Jeremy<br>You're sister seems moody Jeremy. You should go fix it...  
>Damon<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Damon<br>No.  
>Jeremy<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Bonnie<br>You're boyfriend won't do as he's told. You should go fix that.  
>Damon<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Damon<br>No.  
>Bonnie<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Bonnie<br>How the hell did you do that? You're not even near me! Damn you and your witchy powers making my head nearly explode.  
>Damon<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Damon<br>Well the power of 100 dead witches is quite useful. Now quit being such an ass to Jeremy, Elena and Stefan - Consider this your warning.  
>Bonnie<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Bonnie<br>Awww c'mon. Don't be so pissy  
>Damon<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Bonnie<br>Okay okay! I'm sorry. Now please stop with the whole head imploding thing.  
>Damon<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Damon<br>Fancy a drink at the grill? If so, meet me there in an hour.  
>Alaric<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Alaric<br>How come your at the grill with Damon?  
>Elena<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Elena<br>What can i say. I'm his wing man.  
>Alaric<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Stefan<br>Since when is Alaric Damon's wingman? Since when does Damon NEED a wingman?  
>Elena<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Elena<br>You should NEVER question the importance of a wingman Elena. EVER.  
>Stefan<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Stefan<br>I seriously love you dude. You're like well fit and that.  
>Alaric<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Stefan<br>OMG! I did not send that, I SWEAR! I've been mail raped...I suspect Damon...  
>Alaric<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Damon<br>I know it was you.  
>Alaric<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Alaric<br>And what?  
>Damon<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Damon<br>Wait and see.  
>Alaric<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Alaric<br>I got the vervain you wanted, come pick it up at 5.  
>Elena<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Alaric<br>I got the tickets. I'm not even gonna ask.  
>Jeremy<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Alaric<br>They're all already in the theatre. Now we just need to put the crow in the nest.  
>Bonnie<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Alaric<br>He's been dosed

* * *

><p>and placed. He should be awake within 5 minutes.<br>Stefan

* * *

><p>Dear everyone involved.<br>I hate you all.  
>Damon<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Damon<br>Could you not handle a tiny little bit of revenge?  
>Jeremy, Alaric, Bonnie, Jeremy and Stefan<p>

* * *

><p>Dear those-who-will-die-painful-deaths-very-shortly<br>Revenge? Revenge is like what i did to Stefan. Even i was undeserving of what you did to me.  
>Damon<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Damon<br>Was the little twilight film too much for you?  
>Everyone<p>

* * *

><p>Dear everyone<br>Add that to the fact that i was surrounded by screaming girls preventing my escape, AND the fact i was coming down of vervain poisoning and yes. It WAS too much. Even worse then midget witchy's little head thing.  
>Damon<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Damon<br>Stop complaining. You had it coming.  
>Everyone.<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Bonnie<br>STOP! STOP IT RIGHT NOW! MY HEAD'S GONNA EXPLODE!  
>Damon<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Damon<br>Only because Elena asked me to.  
>Bonnie<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Damon<br>Sorry man. But i had to. You mail raped me. I had to make you stop before you took it too far.  
>Alaric<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Alaric<br>IT WAS YOU BEHIND IT?  
>Damon<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Damon<br>Urmm...No...?  
>Alaric<p>

* * *

><p><p>

**I always have immense fun writing these :') Anyway, hope you liked it, reviews are greatly appreciated :) **  
><strong>Much love xD<strong>


	3. Chapter 3

Dear Damon  
>Where've you been for the last 5 days?<br>Stefan

* * *

><p>Dear Stefan<br>Bedroom.  
>Damon<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Damon<br>Really? Haven't seen any sorority girls...  
>Stefan<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Stefan<br>None have been here. That's why. Douche.  
>Damon<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Elena<br>I'm worried about Damon.  
>Stefan<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Stefan<br>Why? He can take care of himself...  
>Elena<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Elena<br>I just have a bad feeling  
>Stefan<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Damon<br>Coming to the grill later?  
>Alaric<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Alaric<br>No. And tell everyone to stop bugging me.  
>Damon<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Damon<br>Seriously? I brought soccer moms and sorority girls for you...  
>Alaric<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Alaric<br>Maybe next time.  
>Damon<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Stefan<br>What's the deal with Damon?  
>Alaric<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Alaric<br>No idea...That's what I'm trying to work out.  
>Stefan<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Damon<br>What ARE you doing in there?  
>Stefan and Alaric<p>

* * *

><p>Dear nosey twats who need to get lives<br>Nothing.  
>Damon<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Damon<br>OMG! You're on Twitter? Follow me?  
>Jeremy<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Jeremy<br>In your dreams. I only follow epic people.  
>Damon<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Damon<br>You've been Tweeting all this time? Seriously?  
>Elena<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Elena<br>It's none of your business. As long as I'm not annoying you right?  
>Damon<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Stefan and Alaric<br>I know what's wrong with Damon...And possibly why Jeremy's been quiet lately...Meet me at the grill.  
>Elena<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Jeremy<br>STOP MENTIONING ME IN TWEETS ASKING FOR A FOLLOW!  
>Damon<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Damon<br>Fine. Just wait...I think something in your mind will convince you to soon enough...  
>Jeremy<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Jeremy<br>MY BRAIN IS ON FIRE! MAKE HER STOP!  
>Damon<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Damon<br>Follow for a follow?  
>Jeremy<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Jeremy<br>FINE! JUST MAKE MIDGET WITCH STOP WITH HER MIND VOODOO POWERS!  
>Damon<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Damon<br>Thankyou. I knew you'd come round eventually.  
>Jeremy<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Damon<br>We think you have a problem...  
>Elena, Stefan and Alaric<p>

* * *

><p>Dear nosey losers<br>Leave me alone! I'm trying to trend 'Damon is awesome'!  
>Damon<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Elena, Stefan and Alaric<br>There's nothing you can do. Just leave him.  
>Jeremy<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Stefan and Alaric<br>I'm also worried about Jeremy.  
>Elena<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Elena<br>You took my computer! What! HOW WILL I TWEET TO MY FOLLOWERS!  
>Jeremy<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Jeremy<br>You had like 12 anyway...You were becoming addicted Jer...  
>Elena<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Elena<br>Screw you.  
>Jeremy<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Elena<br>Get your brother out of my house. NOW!  
>Damon<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Damon<br>No. Can you not handle him?  
>Elena<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Elena<br>Not when he's sitting and listening to Taylor Swift, Hannah Montana and other crap like that, whilst crying his eyes out. From what I can make out he misses his Twitter...  
>Damon<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Damon<br>And what're you doing whilst he's doing this...  
>Elena<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Elena<br>Tweeting...What's your point?  
>Damon<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Damon<br>You need to stop. Before you end up like Jeremy.  
>Elena<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Elena<br>That will NEVER happen.  
>Damon<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Alaric and Stefan<br>You know what to do.  
>Elena<p>

* * *

><p>Dear all of those concerned<br>I ONLY WENT TO HUNT! WHERE THE HELL IS MY DAMN COMPUTER!  
>Damon<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Damon<br>It's for your own good.  
>Everyone else except Jeremy; he's still in mourning<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Everyone<br>You just wait. All of you. Revenge is a dish best served cold.  
>Damon<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Elena and Stefan<br>You realise what we've just done right?  
>Alaric<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Elena and Alaric<br>Yep. We've created a vengeful Twitter deprived Damon.  
>Stefan<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Stefan and Alaric<br>So what do we do?  
>Elena<p>

* * *

><p>Dear Alaric and Elena<br>Hide...NOW!  
>Stefan<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Hope you liked it..Drop me a review if you did...Or even if you didn't ;D<strong>


End file.
